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Phishes Philsophy's Journal

Wednesday, February 23, 2005


I'm in this mood and i can't help but post about it. I've concluded the theme of second semester is that there are no rules, nothing is too secretive or to rash to say, and everyone at a basic level is the same.
For starters, Lindsay's party, who would have know that such a random group of people could be so content with eachother's company and opinions. Its ridiculous to recall all the crazy shit we did, but it was so great, so alive, and so awesome that it happened with such amazing people. It's also kinda nice how everything is just spilling out, I like that. I like to talk. I like honesty. I like telling people my true feelings, even if it makes no sense or surprises them. It's such a weird time of year, knowing it's like "the beginning of the end", but that horrible cliche feeling stil draws some attention. As the days go by I find out more and more secrets, or people who had crushes on me, or funny stories that happened and it makes me fear the end of it almost. I find myself getting close to people with amazing minds now and i feel like its too damn late and it makes me sad! Yet at the same time I'm finding myself fixing loose ends with relationships I've had and Im glad to be leaving on a high note. This is our lives and I'm glad to have all these spattered emotions and relationships to fill it up with. Can I send a group hug out to everyone? Honestly, everyone, I thank you, whether you meant it or not, you've impacted me in some way and I'm feeling accomplished with who I've become. It can only get better from here, isn't that nice?

Current mood: grateful

Sunday, February 13, 2005

1:51PM - Damn Damn Damn

Friday night, which I thought was ridiculous, stupid fun, is now ridiculous stupid not fun!!!!! Apparently I hurt someone's feelings who happened to be around people or person who doesn't like me and it caused some problems. I had no idea and I feel bad. I liked it so much better before, hahahaha, snort. And I wanted these last months to be happy too, damn damn damn.

Current mood: aggravated

Saturday, February 5, 2005

11:07AM - i sound like such a nerd....

OK I have this crazy e-mail that makes you stare at dots and then close your eyes and someone appears kinda deal. It insane....if u wanna try it let me know.....


Al Gore Impersonation Monkey Face

What's Your George W. Bush Monkey Face?

Saturday, January 29, 2005

10:40AM - She's legal!!!

Happy Birthday Genevieve!!! I luv you and can't wait to put that AP material from you dad to work! lol You are an amazing woman and an amazing best friend. Comrads for life! Fight the good Fight!

Current mood: cheerful

Tuesday, January 25, 2005


Even though we only needed to read two articles for gov, i read about 10 on the Iraqi Election. And wow, there is just so much going on. After one article I would think one thing, and then after reading the next I would think something else. At one point I adored the Shiites for their political involvement, but then I thought they were over powering and intimidating to the rest of the country. I still am unsure of my feelings towards them. Some articles made this free election seem like some god sent gift from the U.S. while glossing over opposition where as other papers actually merited the opinion of delay. No matter how much I may disagree with our current president and his administration, it is nothing compared to what these people are facing. I dont fear my polling spot will lose electricty and that I will have to cast a ballot by candelight, or that it will be siezed with fire. I dont worry about admitting I voted, because here it's encouraged to participate in politics. The commission is actually looking in to using black light ink to avoid "outting" those who did vote for fear of violence. I can't even imagine. My heart and best wishes goes out to all those people in Iraq. I admire their courage and perserverence. I hope with every fiber of my being that whatever happens in this election will represent the interest of their country, because that is all that matters, and all that they deserve.

Saturday, January 22, 2005

9:41PM - I actually got in trouble for not being "bubbley"

I worked for the past 6 hours, which was about as exciting as watching an ice-cube melt, but David Michaels stopped in for awhile!! He's such an awesome human being. Whenever we hang out we just have these amazing conversations yet we always find the time to make ridiculous comments and dance to ridiculous tunes off his I POD, i feel good around him, happy about myself because we sort through whatever I've been chewing over in my mind and happy about everyone else.
I get home and bring ice cream for my bro and Mary Ellen's company; i dont know them, but given they're from mary ellen's social circle i was apprehensive to to socialize with them minus the children, they're too young to be blamed for their tendancies. I went upstairs and My dad comes in my room and tells me that I seemed "kirt"?? some K word? My face twitched unsure of what he called me. he explained I seemed annoyed. I said no, i'm just cold. He replies, "is it someone's fault you're cold?" and i say no. He then tells me that i wasn't " bubbley" in front of their guests and that he didn't appreciate that. truth of the matter is I am annoyed, I'm like periodically permanently pissed off at my parents, and how could i not? I mean Im the family chauffer and parent to Matt yet I need to be more helpful and more pleasnt to people who dont pay attention to me except when they want me to do something. ya know what dad, it is someone's fault im cold. Someone wouldn't let me take the damn car to work so i had to walk home, so now that you mention it, it is your fault that i am cold. And yes dad, I am annoyed. Perhaps not only annoyed at you but at myself and the world, and sorry if you dont like it, but guess what, I dont like our current living situation, and given i get no choice but to deal with it, do the same!

And one more thing, I've decided my own personal philosophy lies somewhere in between Taoism and James Madison. I call it contemplation with affirmative action and a fear of factions and mentally unstable family members.

Tuesday, January 18, 2005


Take the quiz: "What kind of underwear are you?"

G String!
Your a sexy, wild girl who ,likes to have a good time!

As amusing as it is, I HATE THONGS! Can't I be a fun and sexy girl who likes to wear mesh boy shorts???

Current mood: horny

Monday, January 10, 2005

10:58AM - i am german......

Take the quiz: "Which famous dictator are you?"

Adolf Hitler
You're Adolf Hitler! You're the most famous, psychotic, genocidal madman ever to taint the pages of history books! You're a fascist. Anyone who questions you is quickly dealt with... Sure, you're a little compulsive and needy but you've accomplished a LOT, as far as MURDERING, TERRORIZING and CONQUERING go! Bottom line: You're out of your mind and you have a superiority complex the size of the sun. You're one egocentric freak.

Saturday, January 8, 2005

11:08AM - I miss everyone

Its boring with every one gone......damn, but i guess it has allowed me to catch up on school work. I couldnt go out with jon and company for too much light cuz i had to pick matt up from skiing. I fell asleep at 8 and had to set an alarmd. i woke up and ate mint-chip ice-cream, its toxic green colored yet i cant seem to get enough of it. After i got matt i discovered we got ddr pads for x-mas so matt and i played until 1 in the morning and then we watched a movie. I bought a belly dancing dvd and book and music thing and i used it, i felt like a hippo trying to seduce (fill in the blank, i'll use TOM) but i do feel it in my abs so im gonna keep trying. My family left to go get the puppy, im chillin here, i stole the mercedes to do some errands and i have that feeling im gonna get busted, oops. Call back list is up, gen and andrea you're on it if u wanted to know. Hope everyone had a kick-ass time at theatre fest and if anyone wants to do something tonite, call.

Current mood: bored

Sunday, January 2, 2005


So the other day i went in a mini airplane with pierre, val's uncle. it was the most beautiful, exhilerating, and scary experience of my life. There we were flying around the mater horn and the wind starts flying and we definitely were jolted, its normal but it scares the shit out of me.
Then come new years.......i have no pictures, as of yet......it was insanely wild. You must hear the details.....val and i arrived at monique's chalet in Martigny, i was wearing some jeans and this super hot emerald green silky see through mesh tank top. I felt hot. We walked in and there was a whole bunch of people, some swiss, some germans, some americans, and THE AUSTRAILIAN. I made my rounds introducing myself to everyone and it was ncie to be able to speak some english but my eyes were on the austrlian. he started conversation with me and my heart stopped. We drank some wine and continued to talk. His name is Tom christie and he's from new castle Australia. he's 18, sun kissed skin, greenish blue eyes, slightly waved, semi long brown hair, and an adorable accent. Not only was he the sexiest thing i've laid eyes on, he was so personable and sweet. he likes music and art and wants to live a poor artsy life because he can. We sat next to each other during dinner and i started to realize how we were looking at eachother and how we were interacting. After the food all the booze came out. I drank collectively 2 glasses of wine, 3 beers, a glass of champgne, malibu orange, shot of bailey's and my personal favorite, the sangria in the bowl with the straws. Imagine a whole bunch of people hovering over a bowl with straws it was great. Tom and i were in the kitchen and he was showing me his ipod with some aussi music and he put his arms around my hips and my body froze. We paused, smiled, and then kissed. That was the start of a steamy and unforgettable night. In general the party was great, lots of music, lots of booze, lots of people. The one thing i will say is that the swiss r a bit more reserved while partying, it was all the foreigners being way crazy. A little disappointing val and some of her friends couldn't go crazy on new years, but everyone is different. I dont know how much val knows that happened with me and tom but she's not asking so its cool. I cant explain how amazing it felt waking up next to this beautiful aussi, it was even better that i was awaken by his incredibley soft lips. I was out of film so i have no pictures but i emailed tom asking him to send some. How was everyone else's new years? im coming home tomorrow at like 4:00 so everyone should come over. see ya soon.

Thursday, December 30, 2004


1. What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before?
i would say that my "phase", that thing i was doing after Ian and I were no longer, would cover the physical side to that question. kind of sad, actually really pathetic, but hitting rock bottom makes for a really good comeback. But that also leads to an emotional achievement: i was forced to question who i was and what i wanted and in turn figured out who some other people truly were.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
i honestly didn't make one, oops....

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
amy, we were quite close at one time

4. Did anyone close to you die?

5. What countries did you visit?
mexico, canada, france, switzerland

6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004?
i want my mind and my body to scream hot, sexy, intelligent!!!!

7. What date from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
i dont think i will ever be able to forget the tent incident, but to replace that mess, lets go for the time stud, farnham, and i stole gen and galivanted through boys town and spunky attire.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
well it never ceases to amaze me that im alive sometimes, but lets go with the 2 most recent: making it to europe and getting into American University

9. What was your biggest failure?
doubting myself, temporarily ruining my life for someone who could care less, indirectly hurting myself
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? ummmm nothing serious

11. What was the best thing you bought?
ive been saving up for this europe thing and it paid off, hehe, paid off....hahahah

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
i would like to congratulate first and foremost genevieve. She just is. And andrea, i admire your strength and talent. And i will pat myself on the back for having covered every zone on the emotional spectrum. I did it all, literally.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Ian's, mark's, my own.......

14. Where did most of your money go?
europe fund

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
europe and college

16. What song will always remind you of 2004?
matt nathanson, i do get awful sometimes......

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. happier or sadder? Happier
ii. thinner or fatter? oh, fatter, funny how that happens
iii. richer or poorer? metaphorically richer, ive experienced a lot, finiancially, always broke

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
work at school, i feel like suck a slacker

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
holding on to my mistakes, impulsively .....yeah

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
chez valerie

22. Did you fall in love in 2004?
I most definitely did. I kinda miss that sustaining feeling of want.

23. How many one-night stands?
how shall we count this? one guy off and on for 3 weeks? 3 horrible, horrible encounters shall we say
24. What was your favorite TV program?
I don't watch TV.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
as much as i try to hate sometimes i never really do, i thought temporarily i hated mark and ian at given times but i dont. we're all humans, im dumb sometimes, so why can't they be?
26. What was the best book you read?
desert jail

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Matt Nathanson, garden state soundtrack, and the french mix from madame foreberg

28. What did you want and get?
intense happiness and craziness and all that stuff u get while you're young and foolish, so u become old and foolish.....

29. What did you want and not get?
family serenity

30. Did you make any new friends this year?
kathleen's gang and all the euro folk who i adore. Lindsay and david!!!!

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 17 and valerie and gen and other kind folk threw me a french themed surpirse party which was an actual surprise and was absolutely wonderful. Even funnier was how ian was the decoy and i got mad at him for taking me to my house when i said no. i entered crying and socially retared to my own party.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
more girl time, i forget how much we need eachother
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004?
everything and anything, i really liked Genevieve's closet collection...but it was kinda exspensive.....

34. What kept you sane?
my aunt, deep breathing, good music

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
obama is quite a cool fellow

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
The demise of all mankind. I mean, the American election. gen i stole your answer, but it did cause me an anxiety attack.

37. Who did you miss?
jon, laurie, lisa, amy, my mom, my sister, ian

38. Who was the best new person you met?
valerie wins all, she is the coolest swiss miss i know
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004:
Just because your're able to do something doesnt mean you should and beware of decieving yourself, its no good. and, forgiveness to yourself and others makes for a more agreable exsistence.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
" i dont want somebody to love me just give me sex whenever i want it, cuz all i want are simple pleasures, simple pleasures, simple pleasures..." which leads to " and i'll be awful sometimes...." resulting in "there's beauty in the breakdown..." finishing with " hit me with your best shot, fire away!"

9:43PM - i cant believe i forgot this

ok the best thing that happened was my encounter with a beautiful stranger on the metro. i was seperated from the rest of the girls because it was crowded and there was this beautiful man with deep green eyes and shaggy brown hair who was wearing this surprisingly flattering shaggy red sweater, and he caught my eye. being the foreigner, i avoid conversation on the metro and simply make eye contact with people, which is exactly what i did, but more passion and effort went into this smile. he smiled back and began to say something right as i was pulling up the our stop. i moved on of coarse, i wasnt about to be alone in that big city, but my head and my interests were still on the train staring at him. as i walked onto the platform and as the train was leaving, i turned around to see my beautiful stranger one last time and he was right in front of the door as if he were about to get off. he gave me an unidentifiable expression and then waved. i dont know if he was trying to follow me or if it was just coincidence. it was simple, but it was amazing how that happened, how we never talked yet somehow sparked interest or curiousity of the other. i felt pretty. i felt wanted and interesting. i like how that feels. ok, end of story, im done flattering myself......

9:19PM - greetings from europe

just got back from paris.....and it was amazing. right at the top of the ferris wheel on our free ride, wink, wink, right on the champs elysees, it was then i fully understood why im alive. it was the most liberating 3 days of my life. 6 girls, lots of walking, lots of laughing, lots of drinking but not too much at one time, and lots of french. i cant wait to see my pictures and i cant wait to see everyone, i wish u were all there. the food was amazing and im going to ruin my positive mature laugh "image" laugh, and comment on how fat i feel. my new years mantra.......love chub, thats right, im naming my pant spill over. whats yours called?

things/people i did/saw in paris
1. notre dame
2. ice skating on the tour eiffel
3. rode a ferris wheel pres de la champs elysees
4. moulin rouge
5. l,arc de triomphe
6. lots of metro riding
7. mont marte and rode the carousel like in amelie
8. ate lots of good food, tried un coup melba
9. irish pub
10. gothic bar place?
11. shopping, of coarse, ive got goodies for the kiddies....
12. drunken taxi rides, ok just one, the other time i was in the metro
13. cemetiere peres lachaise, saw moliere and balzaacs tombs
14. louvre, but only the outside
15. galeris lafayette
16. oblesique
17. place de la concorde

and my two glorious/glamorous/typical heather moments.....
1. falling out of the ferris wheel onto the frenchman who lets us go twice for free and in the process scratching his face. he liked us, but i fixed that quickly....
2. jeffing and olgaing pretty much everywhere

Monday, December 27, 2004


You scored as Ecstacy. Love, sex, parties, and DANCING! Just be wary of your mood coming down! www.dancesafe.org
















What's your ideal drug?
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Saturday, December 25, 2004


christmas eve was wonderful. in the morning, val and anne va and i went to a pool with 3 of them outside in the middle OFthe mountains and they were heated. they had like massage beds and jets and it was so relaxing and so unbelieveable i was outside. then we got dressed up and went to her grandmas house were we had a 3 hour long meal. we hate chinese fondue which is like spiced water and u boil meat in it and theres bunch of sauce, among a gazzilion others things like rice, salade, frites, fruit, .......i had the best wine of my life. then we open presents and everyone bought stuff for me. it was so nice and this grandma painted a candle for me. then it was time for dessert and ate a lot and the grandma and i made irish coffee, it was great. the night was finished with midnight mass. offf to the chalet now. merry christmas luvs

Thursday, December 23, 2004


im having fun, and i cant believe im saying this,but i kinda wish i were at home. i saw big fish today and i forgot how much ian and i enjoyed that movie but i quickly remembered in my lonely state. i cried. i have my period. its like that movie represents whats really important to me and i tie that to him and given theres no more him i feel like i also lost that feeling of being alive. its weird y i decide to think of this now. its weird i think of him, well i guess not weird, we did date for like 10 months and he was my first love, but all that discluded, its weird.
i miss my friends. gen and andrea, i need u guys. im sad im missing danielle and jon´s beautiful faces.
i feel akward here and hyper emothional.
either im having the time of my life or im psyco analyzing myself and everything that has happened this year. im not so sure i like what ive become or maybe who i already was. im not gonna bitch or make some sappy post about how i hate myself, cuz i wouldnt say i hate myself, i just wake up sometimes and feel that way. anyhow, im bothered by me, im paying attention to it.
whats going on at home? how is everyone? post or reply or something

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

6:10PM - hi everyone

ok its been awhile since ive posted. and ill apologize now, the typing will suck cuz the keyboard is different, so yeah. ok. so ive been going to school with val the past few days and its been an experience. i met her class. heres how i feel about everyone <julien is the kyle freeman of switzerland but hotter and darker and more into the fine arts but still very boyish? claire is very nice. triston is the smartest guy in the class and is super sweet and i find him super cute, i literally blush every time i see him. hes sooo cute and swiss and little and shy so im surprised im attracted to him. aurora is the a good friend of vals and shes goth and super crazy and super sweet. alexendra is cute and average personality. sonja is very smart and she helped me in art class. guillaume is the dan mackey of swizterland but less well liked and mroe ridiculous. theres more......but anywho, i spoke in their english class, suffered through their french classes. played swiss dodgeball in gym, need i say more.......drew some surealistic crap encours dessin and slept during latin. we went to a karoke bar on tuesday night and it was a lot of fun. i ordered some eltropico, which equals rum and fruit and sugary stuff? i was able to sing then, pas de probleme. i met a german exchange student who offered me pot and sadly i declined cuz it was before dinner and being high infront of vals parents didnt sound too good. i did take a picture with him and the pipe, hes phillipe. its really hard to understand everyone and val is beig pretty mean about it, which totaly sucks but then i had the revelation that i was mean to her too, which equals the next day i woke up and hated myself. its weird cuz im having a lot of fun but im lonely often too. todaz her class went to the theatre and we saw the swiss version of blue man group and then val and i spoke on the radio. thats right, i spoke in french on the radio, i panicked. but we cheated i knew the questions the night before and i practiced my responses. then i decided to break free and i went shopping by myself. i didnàt get lost and i bought some good stuff. tomorrow all day her class goes to the movies and then to the bars. its funny, after school they served au vin chaud which is hot wine and its really good. totally different attitude here about a lot of things. i wish i didnt feel like val hates me, may be she doesnt, but if she does i prolly gave her reason, but i never meant too. i thought in the beginning i was really nice to her and just in the end i got annoyed which was bound to happen. ive been here for 3 days and i already feel like im a bother. im sorry to hear lisa is a different being but im so glad to hear my favorite loved ones (jon, gen, and farnham) and together. i miss everyone and i luv u and i appreciate more then ever my friends and my life at home.

Sunday, December 19, 2004

12:35PM - Bonjour tout le monde

YES, I am in europe and i just realize this now. Its sunday morning here and I just woke up. Last night, val met me at the airport, we took a beautiful ride in the train to her house, and i settled in. Her wonderful mommy made le souper <dinner< and then val and i hit the town. We took pictures in a little booth at the train station like in Amelie and i met my first drunken europeans. a bunch of young drunk germans and 2 swiss guys who really liked val and her "american" Then we headed to Soliel, my first bar. Very cute inside, we met a couple of val's friends and i ordered 2 drinks en francais i was very proud of myself. Gin and tonic and malibu orange. Everyone drinks quite often so most don't over do it, which is nice. After that we were hungry so we went to a boulangerie at 12 for some pain.Then the craziness began and we went to some concert/party in this place behind a hole in the wall. There were like 200 people there, lots of beer, lots of weed, lots of dread locks, and some bad band. Very very very fun, met lots of fun people there but i was tired and it was hard to understand their fast slang but im determined to speak french and learn it. I did catch this one guy Julien say something about un chasseur and son chasse while talking to me, which means a hunter and his hunt so Val and her friends smacked him. He's really hot so i didn't mind lol. It's snowing now and the moutains looks beautiful. I hope everyone who reads this has a great break and a good holiday.

Thursday, December 16, 2004


Im moving to washington D.C.? Yeah, so I got in. Going to europe to release.......yeah release! Everyone have a merry christmas and a happy new year! Big Kisses to all!

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